Journal Entry: Mon Sep 8, 2014, 4:42 AM
So I have been here and there lately. I've been both busy and not busy. Unfortunately, it's going to get a bit more hectic. I'm going to start to move and I have so much junk you guys, it's not even funny. I mean don't get me wrong, it's all good junk. I have this habit of collecting things. Not like a hoarder! I collect ribbons, movie tickets, and little Asian things like Ramune drinks, Pocky boxes (that are empty), geisha dolls, and other candy boxes and some little bottles that my family's Chinese exchange student gave us when I was younger. Plus I have a few anime figures. I already took down all of my art. Seriously, my walls were covered everywhere with art pieces, from artists that I've met at the anime expo and are also here on da, like Yuumei, Doomfest, and many others. I very carefully put those pieces away. But anyway, yeah, moving is going to be a hassle.
Not only that, but I'm going to be starting classes up again. Ugh. It was such a lovely break that I had. I hardly remember anything school related. Plus, I'm going to be getting a job when I move. I've applied everywhere for everything in the city I currently live in and unfortunately, I've had no luck. But I will get a job when I move! I'm not going to take no for an answer! It's gonna happen!
Aside from that, I've been semi busy with trying to find places to do book signings. My publicists found me two places already in November. I'm incredibly nervous about it and I almost didn't want to accept it because I wouldn't know the first thing about presenting my book without looking like a rambling, nervous, and stuttering idiot. Honestly, I'm a bit self-conscious about my book. I wrote and published it when I was 16, which I'm told and believe is, yes, a great accomplishment, but do I think it's the best I can put forward? No. I get that I've improved since then and must accept my past writing, but gah, I just worry about it unnecessarily. Plus, I honestly just hate the cover. Doesn't really represent my characters that well and any visions I had for it just weren't coming through to the designers. I got the best one out of all the ones they did, and yet...it still looks ridiculous. I really shouldn't be bashing on it. I'm grateful that it got published at all. Still, I think the process could have gone a whole lot better.
But my book is available for purchase. You can find it on Amazon and Barnes & Noble websites. Just a heads up though, on Amazon, they don't have the book's picture and on Barnes & Noble, they have the wrong book description. I've contacted both of them regarding these errors several times and I've received no responses or seen any changes. And also, there may still be errors in the book, ridiculous and petty errors due to the fact my editors messed up during the last run through and did not help me nor apply the proper corrections. An updated and correct version will come out during the next printing. So sorry about that. But please, I would appreciate any purchases of my book as it will help support me and motivate me to further write and publish other and better works. Oh my book is called The Girl with the White Hair by the way. If you are interested in buying a copy, please let me know and I will provide links for you if you'd like. Really, a buy would be fantastic. Just one. I'd love you guys forever. (I would love you forever even if you didn't buy one).
So yeah. That's that. As I am pretty busy sometimes, if you've requested something of me and I have yet to get to it, I am very sorry! I know it's important and I will get to it, but please be very patient with me. I appreciate and love getting requests for anything and will gladly take them, but sometimes I lose motivation or I get randomly busy and can't get around to your request, and for that, I deeply apologize.
I'm still going through that conditional writer's block too. I haven't been able to even look at the writing I have on here. I've only been able to write the two stories I've been writing on the down low. They're nothing serious, but I'm writing them just for the sake of getting the ideas out of my head and just because I want to. So the NewWorld, and The Man I Love are going to most likely be on a major hold. If you're looking forward to those chapters, my bad, but I probably won't get to those for a long while.
Anyway, enough about all that. I've got something to ask you guys. So I've recently found a bit of resolve to focus on my own happiness, because for a very long time, I've always worried and cared for everyone but myself. It wasn't until recently that I got tired of getting hurt from this process and decided that I wasn't going to take any more. So I've resorted to making myself happier. I'm trying my best to get into new things, to meet new people, and be introduced into new environments. I've also been trying to eliminate the negatives in my life. Though I appreciate every single person who has been a part of my life, some of them, I have to let go. They've said their piece. I believe every single person, in a big or small way, has a lesson to teach you. And I've learned all I can from some people and sometimes those people show that they don't want to be in my life anymore or they just make me miserable. In the process of eliminating negatives, I may have hurt some people and I really don't want to do that and I really try to do things right and in the best way possible without hurting anyone, because I really hate hurting people, which is why I try to go out of my way to please them. And I truly believe that eliminating negatives, people and other elements of my life, is necessary to truly achieve my happiness. So these are my questions: Is it okay for me to be this selfish? When does it not become okay? Is there a way to be happy without hurting anyone?
Honestly, I've had to completely eliminate someone who was once very important to me. I am not proud of the way things ended. I believe it could have ended better, but under the circumstances, I don't see how I could have executed things differently. It shames me to know that I really hurt this person and I will for the rest of my life carry a heavy guilt for doing so, but I was at the absolute end of my ropes with this person. It had gotten to the point where I was fearful of what this person would do to me and/or themselves. Normally, my guilt would have kept my tolerance for this person just so that they would suffer a little less, but I couldn't do it. I had to cut myself off from this person, to be able to move on, to feel some sort of peace, and to be that much closer to my personal happiness. That's where I feel that I don't have any right to be selfish.
So you see people, I'm pretty conflicted about this. Though the deed is done, I can't help but feel guilty and haunted by my choice to eliminate one of the negatives.
Now, if you've read this much, I thank you deeply. I really do appreciate all of you who read my journals. It means a lot to me that people take the time to do so. So thank you!
I think that's all I have for this time. So with that my lovely ladies and gallant gents, I bid you adieu.
Please do have fun and stay awesome!
Listening to: Anyone Can Cook- Ratatouille Soundtrack
Reading: The Maze Runner
Watching: Toyko Ghoul and Free :3
Playing: Assassin's Creed II
Eating: Somewhat Normally
Drinking: Five bottles of water a day